Hey friends happy Sunday! I hope that you have had a great week and were able to take some time to notice where the light gets in! I have been noticing where the light gets in by allowing God's plan for my life to shine through my actions in little ways. The light shines for us in ways such as in conversation with a friend, playing outside with siblings, smiling at a stranger or hugging someone you love. And in return, I have been noticing how much light gets into my life through the gift of others. Light is a blessing that can best be noticed in the little things so remember to take time to slow down, look around, breath and take it all in.
Now let's get started with this weeks scripture!
Scripture Sunday 10/30/22 - 1 John 4:8
One area of my life where I notice God shining His love onto me is through my ability to let go of my tight grip on control and trust that God’s got me. Today, I am going to share a bible verse that helped me immensely along my recovery journey and that is 1 John 4:8 which states "she didn’t have to be perfect because she was perfectly loved."
As a perfectionist, the extremely high standards that I held myself to caused more harm than good. As I only expected perfection from myself, I was constantly falling short. I was never enough for myself. My body never obtained perfection. My grades never reached perfection. My gymnastics career never peaked with perfection. And my ability to love others never maintained perfection.
With constantly falling short, I didn’t know what more it would take to be enough. With the great fear of disappointing others and the even greater fear of disappointing myself, I desperately reached for the piece that would set me above. That's when my eating disorder crept into my mind and convinced me that listening to the rigid rules with discipline and determination is the piece that would finally make me enough.
So, I began acting on behaviors. As I began, I had no perception of the impact that these simple acts would have on my future. In fact, I loved that part about myself, because while I felt far from perfection in all other areas of my life, with my eating disorder, I could at least be viewed by others as “nearly perfect”. The fear of disappointing others and myself seemed to lift, but in this transition, I failed to recognize that my harmful behaviors were most disappointing to God. Even while acting in secrecy, I believed that what I was doing was right.
My actions were okay because the person I was to others when I had my secrets alone allowed me to smile and be a light to all. I loved that I could be the person everyone wanted me to be. It filled my cup and made me feel worthy of the incredible life that I was blessed with. Thanks to my eating disorder, I was praised for my hard work and discipline and that allowed me to control at least one aspect of my life. This control instilled peace within, allowing me to project more light and love onto others.
Growing up as a gymnast, my mind was conditioned to strive for perfection. In gymnastics, I was subjectively scored by judges on a 10 point scale. 10 meant that the routine was perfect. 10 was always the goal, all be it an unrealistic one. Unfortunately I could not control the score that I received from the judges and I could not control my coach's reactions to my performance, but I could control myself and the hours of work that I dedicated to the sport. I could control my body and my attitude. I could control how I presented myself to others.
All of this control can be a good thing when it is supported by God's great plan. But when I am only seeking for earthy perfection, I will never truly know the friendship of a perfect God.
So why were my secret behaviors wrong? This question floated in my mind all throughout the peak of my eating disorder and the long process of recovery. I went around and around justifying my actions and pleading with God to let me keep this part of my life. I was not ready to give up control, I was not ready to let go and let God.
I undermined the power of God’s control. Without my eating disorder, I felt completely out of control and with no control, I was right back to where I started with not being enough. I was playing “creator” trying to decide my path instead of trusting that God, our true Creator, knows what is best for me. There is no possible way for me to manipulate and control my body, while at the same time trusting God’s plan for my life completely. Both truths simply can not coexist.
However, I was not ready to let that control go. Letting go of the control meant risking it all. That massive leap of faith into God’s Heavenly embrace left me with a deep fear that I would end up falling short. So I held on. I tried to manipulate the truth and hold both the control over my body and mind, while at the same time, trusting God’s great love and plan for me. My grip on both my eating disorder and God’s love was only temporarily sustainable but it was all too damaging for a long time commitment. Yes, I was able to hold both, but not completely. Never completely.
The two simply can not co-exist no matter how well you deceive this truth to others. In my heart, God is within leading me to do what He put me on this Earth to do - and by focusing on appearance and control, I was never truly trusting and letting God.
In this new season of healing from the damage that my eating disorder caused in my life, I am also learning to lean on God and trust his great plan. His plan is far greater than my control could ever be because my control holds power in fear, but His great plan holds power in love. The missing piece that I thought could be filled with my eating disorder ended up taking me on a long, arduous journey towards finding peace from God’s great love.
I pray that you can feel enough just as you are. repeat after me:
"I am enough because I am wonderfully made by a perfect God"
"I am perfectly loved"
"All of my imperfections are filled by God's perfect love"
I hope you enjoyed this post! please let me know some of the ways in which you have let go of the control and trusted in God's great plan for you. and remember that you can contact me @avagraceketterman@gmail.com and tell me about how you have let go and trusted God!
xox
AG
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