the following paragraph is a passage from my journal. I wrote this entry today after registering for classes at my local community college. It is important to share because then it creates a space for others to do the same :)
"Today I am having a hard time grasping the idea that I will not be going to college next semester at a 4 year university. I know this may not seem like a big deal, but for as long as I can remember, I have had this path that I was to follow. It never even occurred to me that I would stray from the path. My every action since I started gymnastics has been ignited by the goal of being a student athlete. And now that my goal is no longer a reality, I am having a hard time reimagining what the future will hold. I miss being an athlete almost more than anything. I miss the person I was to others when I was an athlete. I miss how I felt about myself when I was an athlete. So I think that it will take time for me to accept the situation. In my head I’m constantly still beating myself up for taking exercise and my eating disorder this far. But deep down I know that I didn’t chose this. It stopped being a choice a long time ago. But what is now in my hands is choosing recovery. Even though the life that I am recovering for seems different compared to the life as a student-athlete that I imagined, I know that God is guiding me and this is just a small page in my book, I never know what tomorrow will hold. For all I know, I can turn the page and discover the reason for all of these hard moments."
I just wanted to remind myself and everyone reading this post that it is okay. You are okay right where you are. You are not behind. You have not ruined everything. You are not a burden. You have not made too many mistakes. You are being guided along and today might just be an uphill climb. I know it can be hard. Trust me, I feel how hard and confusing it can be. But I am choosing to believe that it will not be this hard forever. It will be worth it. Hang in there with me. We can do it.
xox
AG
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